Emperor Palpatine, New Nike Spokesman
Nike has announced its latest spokesperson: Emperor Palpatine. Despite running a despotic empire in the Galaxy Far, Far Away, Palpatine is a big fan of Nike.
“All the clothes I wear are Nike,” the emperor told this credible newspaper. “My robes, shoes, socks, shirts, and pants are all Nike. I’ve even engraved the Nike swoosh on my lightsaber. I considered changing the Empire’s emblem to the Nike logo, but my lawyers talked me out of it.”
While Nike is thrilled to have the Emperor representing its products in the Star Wars galaxy, the apparel and shoe company has received backlash on Earth. Not only has #SeriouslyNike soared to the top trending on all social media, but protests have erupted outside major Nike stores worldwide and the company’s headquarters.
“I used to be Nike for life. If Nike made diapers, I would have been wearing them as a baby,” one protester outside Nike world headquarters told TheFakeNewsGazette. “But they have partnered with an evil tyrant that is oppressing an entire galaxy.”
“I’ve watched every single Star Wars movie a dozen times over. Palpatine is pure evil, absolute pure evil. I mean, I don’t even think the devil is close to Palpatine’s level of evil,” another protester said.
And speak of the devil, he was there at the protest. You read that correctly, Satan himself was protesting Nike.
“Listen, I’m literally the devil, but when I hear protesters say Palpatine may be more evil than me, I get offended, but since I’m scared of Palpatine, I mostly keep that to myself,” Satan said. “I’m also very offended that Nike never considered me to be one of their spokesmen. I know I’ve done some bad things, but for Hell’s sake, I’ve never committed genocide against space wizards, nor have I made a giant spaceship with a planet-destroying laser.
“I just want that on the record, you know, so that if Nike’s looking for a devilishly handsome spokesman… anyways, what can I give you in exchange for your soul? Fame, a fortune, power beyond belief? How about an adorable puppy?”
“I don’t know why people think I am evil. " My right-hand man, Vader, and I brought peace and stability to an entire galaxy,” the Emperor told this legitimate newspaper. “But if I were to guess, is that your planet has seen those terrorist propaganda films called Star Wars. Rest assured that everything in those movies, television shows, novels, and comic books is propaganda made to make my Empire look bad.”
Despite being an evil despot with an entire galaxy under his boot, there are those on our planet who are defending Palpatine and Nike’s choice of naming him a spokesman. These defenders of the Emperor can be found at the counter-protests outside Nike stores and its world headquarters.
“Palps is a great guy,” a counter protester said. “Everything he wears is from Nike, so he can’t be evil like these protesters are saying. If Palps were evil, then he would be wearing Adidas instead.”
“Listen, I’ve seen all the Star Wars movies, and it’s obvious that they’re propaganda films. Those so-called ‘rebels’ are terrorists, plain and simple,” another counter protester told this credible newspaper. “Honestly, the levels of demonization in those films are off the charts. No one is that evil.”
“I support Palps,” another sympathetic counter-protester said. “Yoda, who can’t put together a coherent sentence, goes into his office and tries to kill the man. Palps was almost assassinated, and you want me to think he’s the evil one and not the little green would-be assassin, who was the leader of a child-snatching cult that taught people to be emotionally detached like a bunch of psychopaths.”
With the public holding such divisive opinions, Nike’s CEO, Elliot Hill, has spoken out to explain Nike’s reasoning.
“We have plans to increase our business substantially in the Galaxy Far, Far Away,” Hill said. “And we needed a credible spokesman and wanted one who already loved our products. Emperor Palpatine has been a loyal and dedicated customer for many years, and considering he is the most powerful man in that galaxy, he was our first and most natural choice. Now, we have heard people’s concerns regarding the character of our extragalactic spokesman, but rest assured that our interactions with Palpatine have left us with no doubt that he's a moral man and a just ruler.”
It sounds like Nike isn’t going to change spokesmen for the Star Wars galaxy anytime soon, but neither does it seem like the protests are going to stop anytime soon. On top of the protests, there is talk about a worldwide Nike boycott. If that happens, then Nike might be dropping Palpatine as their spokesman.
However, the Emperor told this newspaper that he wasn’t concerned with such “trivial matters” as protests. Palpatine predicted that over time, people’s rage would diminish, or else “Earth would be the target for the third Death Star.”
“He’s kidding,” a guy wearing a “I LOVE the EMPIRE” reassured one of our reporters. “There is no third Death Star.”
Whether this is true is irrelevant because the protests outside of Nike have stopped, not because the Emperor has threatened to blow up our planet, but because Nike has announced a fifty percent sale in all Nike stores.
Capitalism wins again.
Subscribe if you haven’t and share the post or publication with someone who would get a laugh from it. The accompanying image was made using deepimg.ai.