Mars Invasion Rockets Launched
Today, twenty rockets have been launched from various sites in the United States to carry brave Space Force members to Mars. The American invasion of the red planet has begun.
“This is a great day for our country,” President Trump said in a televised address. “Today a scouting force of one hundred brave men and women of Space Force have embarked on SpaceX rockets to land on Mars as the first wave of an American invasion. Each day for the rest of April, we will send brave Space Force members to our nearest planetary neighbor to defeat the hostile alien threat.”
While various European news outlets have criticized President Trump for wasting American money and arms on an invasion of Mars while those resources could have gone to Ukraine, polls show that the American people largely support the president. A recent Gallop Poll has put public support for the Mars invasion at seventy-three percent, while other polls have put it as high as seventy-eight percent.
However, President Trump is facing high levels of criticism both intentionally and domestically for an action he took before the launches: having the FBI arrest Marvin the Martian for treason. Since the Martian’s arrest, #FreeMarvin has been trending on social media.
“I know Marvin was sent here to the planet to lay the groundwork for a Martian invasion,” one of the cartoon character’s supporters told this credible newspaper. “But that’s treason against the Earth, not the United States, so the feds had no right to arrest him.”
Another supporter of Marvin’s said she felt that “cartoon characters shouldn’t be held to the same standards” as real people. “It’s a bit silly to throw a cartoon character into a prison cell,” she argued, “even if he did betray the whole world.”
While most of Marvin’s defenders believe that the Martian betrayed the Earth, not all do. One defender said he “couldn’t believe” that Marvin would “betray the entire world” after we humans “accepted him and gave him a job.”
Despite getting support from random Americans, Marvin hasn’t received any support from Warner Bros. The company, which employed Marvin for decades in its Looney Tunes cartoon franchise, has been mostly silent since the Martians' arrest. The only comment Warner Bros. has made on the arrest is this: “We have faith that the FBI didn’t arrest Marvin the Martian, who we have employed for decades, without due cause. While this doesn’t mean we believe our employee is guilty, we are cooperating with law enforcement.”
Marvin’s trial is set for sometime next year, around the same time the rocket ships should land on Mars. President Trump said that he hopes “the traitor to not only our beautiful country but to our beautiful world” gets the death penalty. However, Attorney General Pam Bondi has not indicated whether the government will push for capital punishment if Marvin the Martian is found guilty.
The first trial and possible execution of an extraterrestrial in history, put aside, President Trump has been tight-lipped about details concerning the Mars Invasion as he typically is regarding military plans. “We are sending the rockets, and the Space Force members know what to do. I don’t want to say more than that, other than that by the time the invasion is done, our country, in fact, the whole world, will be much safer.”
When pressed, the president refused to answer any more questions about the invasion, not even when the rockets would make it to Mars. The whole world anxiously waits to see how the first human invasion of another planet turns out. We at TheFakeNewsGazette hope that it turns out horribly so that in 2028, Mickey Mouse will have a better chance of getting elected president.
Did you like what you read? Did I make you laugh? If you answered “yes” to either question, consider subscribing below. The subscription is free, and it sends the satirical articles I write directly to your email.
If you know someone who would like this article or TheFakeNewsGazette, please share both this post and the publication by clicking the buttons below.
Lastly, if you enjoyed the post, don’t forget to like it.
The image accompanying this article was made using the AI image generator tool at flatai.org. Check out their free AI tools.