Mickey Mouse Arrested for 3rd Degree Shenanigans
Leading presidential candidate Mickey Mouse has been arrested today by the FBI for committing “high shenanigans in the third degree.”
“This is one of the most heinous crimes that can be committed,” Special Agent Geovanni Filoni, who arrested Mickey Mouse, told TheFakeNewsGazette. “It’s so heinous I won’t tell you what high shenanigans in the third degree is because you don’t want to know.”
The nation is shocked that America’s most beloved cartoon character has been arrested. But Mickey’s supporters are outraged.
One of these supporters is a man who calls himself Radical Mouse. Radical Mouse is the leader of an extremist group called the Militant Mice, an organization dedicated to seeing Mickey Mouse get elected president. It is suspected that Radical Mouse is on the NSA’s watchlist.
“They’re arresting Mickey on the orders of President Biden because he knows he can’t win against Mickey in November,” Radical Mouse told TheFakeNewsgazette.
Radical Mouse may be correct in thinking a presidential candidate was behind Mickey’s arrest, but he may be wrong about it being President Biden.
When asked if he ordered Mickey’s arrest, President Biden said he “didn’t need to stoop so low” and that he “has the election in the bag” because he “gave Americans free healthcare.”
It is the other side of the political aisle that stinks of suspicion. In his most recent campaign rally, former president Trump addressed Mickey’s arrest. Mr. Trump asked the crowd if they “heard about what happened to Mickey” and declared, “Mickey is done for.” But the former president didn’t stop there. Trump said Mickey’s arrest makes him “very, very happy.”
“This is Trump's doing, it’s obvious,” Joe Smith, the leader of the Make Mickey King movement and who is currently serving a life sentence for attempting to overthrow the American government to replace it with a monarchy with Mickey as king. “Trump thinks having Mickey arrested will give him a better chance in November, but Mickey will wipe the floor with him.”
The Mouse himself agrees with Joe Smith. Mickey told TheFakeNewsGazette. “Trump’s behind this, I know it,” Mickey told us. “Biden thinks he’s going to win, so there’s no reason for him to sabotage me.”
However, the FBI vehemently denies that Mickey’s arrest was political. “Mickey Mouse’s arrest had nothing to do with him being a presidential candidate,” FBI director Christopher Wray assured the nation in a televised address. But Mickey’s millions of supporters do not believe him.
“I’m no lawyer, but ‘high shenanigans in the third degree’ sounds made up,” said an unpaid intern who is voting for Mickey.
“This is a political arrest. There’s no doubt about it. Someone is trying to take Mickey out of the election,” Tweeted @The#1DinseyEmployee.
However, not everyone believes Mickey’s arrest is a political hit. In a recent poll by Gallup, 67% of Americans said they believed Mickey’s arrest “wasn’t political in nature.” The other 33% considered the arrest “absolutely politically motivated.”
Whether the arrest was politically motivated will be decided in a few years because Mickey is suing the FBI for violating his Constitutional rights. The truth will come out in court, but now Mickey’s concern is being convicted of the crime he is accused of.
“I think the FBI has a good case,” Jemery Hyde, a law professor at Lawville University, said, though he did not explain further.
“Professor Hyde doesn’t know what he is talking about,” claimed Ben Jekyll, a lawyer of forty years and founder of the law firm Laws Jekyll & Associates. “‘High shenanigans’ isn’t a crime. You can’t commit a crime that doesn’t exist, let alone commit it in the third degree.”
But Ben Jekyll is wrong, according to Special Agent Geovanni Filoni. “I’ve locked plenty of people up for high shenanigans before. First, second, and third degrees alike,” Special Agent Filoni told this credible newspaper. “For high shenanigans in the third degree, the punishment is ten ticklish puppy kisses.”
Right now, you are wondering if the punishment is ten ticklish puppy kisses, and it is. However, Special Agent Filoni claims it is a death sentence. “People get filled with an overwhelming sense of joy, kindness, and love that their bodies can’t take, and they die. It’s like a drug overdose. Or, while the puppy kisses tickle them, they laugh so hard their lungs collapse. I’ve never heard of anyone surviving.”
If Mickey is convicted, then the punishment will likely kill him, bringing a permanent end to his presidential ambitions.
