Musk and Trump Set to Have Boxing Match
The people want to see it, and it’s happening: Elon Musk and Donald Trump will enter the ring. After Musk’s tenure at the Department of Government Efficiency ended, the two bestie billionaires exchanged insults. Never being one to back down from a good insult duel, President Trump, who might be the greatest Internet troll of all time, shocked the world as he suddenly changed tactics and challenged Musk to a boxing match.
“Listen, Elon. I’m tired, so VERY TIRED, of arguing online, and you have as many lawyers as I do, which is A LOT. So, put on some gloves, step into the ring and settle this like men,” the president posted on X, which used to be called Twitter until Musk bought it and thought a letter made a better name than a word (my editor is telling me that it’s a genius move that only geniuses can understand).
Musk has accepted, and our sources confirm that his people are talking to Trump’s business people. Both sets of people are talking to boxing people, who are in turn talking to sponsorship people, who are talking to federal regulation people, who are talking to Trump’s White House people, who are talking to Musk’s people. We at TheFakeNewsGazette expect nothing short of this complexity from the former head of the Department of Government Efficiency and the president who created it.
But the real people who are getting things done are the sportsbook people. That’s right, if they’re an online gambling site, they are taking bets as you read this. As I write this, there is over a hundred million dollars in total bets, and analysts expect the total amount to top a billion dollars. The fight is set for this month on Juneteenth so that both fighters won’t have any black eyes for Father’s Day, and people will have the day off from work to come to the fight.
Even though he is the older opponent, the current total number of bets placed on Trump winning is twice that of the sum of bets predicting a Musk win. Expert bet analyst, Ethan House, who always wins whenever he bets, told this legitimate newspaper that “Trump’s high energy” is likely the reason for the difference.
“Both Trump and Musk work hard and for long hours,” House said. “But Trump acts like Red Bull’s always giving him wings.”
However, Musk has an advantage on his own: age.
“Musk is significantly younger than Trump,” House said. “And that’s going to be a big factor in the fight, but the betters don’t think it will be the deciding factor. That’s why they have Trump beating Musk.”
But the professional boxers disagree. Legendary lightweight champion Bob “the Bobcat” McGee passionately disagrees. “Age wouldn’t be as big of a factor if both fighters were pros, but neither are, so Trump will have difficulty keeping up with Elon. Not to mention the president can’t take too many hits to his head.”
While the bets may favor Trump, Musk has started training. Reports from those close to the former special government employee say that he just hasn’t been hitting the gym; he hasn’t left the gym.
“Elon’s running all of his companies from the ring,” someone close to the billionaire told TheFakeNewsGazette. “He’ll take calls with board members while he’s training.”
But Trump isn’t sitting around, either. The president has done something that no one thought he would ever do: he’s stopped golfing. That’s right, President Trump has put golfing on hold until after the fight is over and will box instead.
“I have a great golf game, one of the best,” Trump told this credible newspaper. “Though now my trainers tell me I’ve got a tremendous right hook.”
With both fighters undergoing such intense preparation, it is expected that Trump versus Musk will be the fight of the century. Though this sentiment isn’t shared by everyone. One buzzkill on Twitter (#neverX) said, “This is going to be lame. Billionaires can’t fight. If you want entertainment, wait until they sue each other.”
Musk and Trump suing each other would be one of the most entertaining court cases in this nation’s history, but that’s not likely to happen, considering each man has an army of lawyers. Seeing two megarich men punch each other repeatedly in the face is going to be great entertainment, second only to watching dog videos on social media.
Since gambling was mentioned in this article, this credible newspaper is legally obligated to have the following message in our newspaper:
Did you vote for your state to legalize online sports betting, but now you don’t have enough money to get your daily caffeine fix in the form of an overpriced cup of hazardous hot liquid because you can’t stop betting? Have you moved from yelling at a reasonable level on the television while you watch grown men play children's games to yelling at levels that are frightening to those around you? Are you considering selling illicit substances on a street corner so you can get more money to bet on sports, even the fake ones that don’t have a ball? Do you’re gambling debts make your college debts look payable?
Unfortunately, dear reader, you may have a gambling problem. But don’t worry, there are gambling addiction hotlines you can call. But because online sports books sponsor us, we have to provide the numbers to the gambling addiction hotlines in the smallest size font possible. Here’s the numbers, please call now if you are struggling with gambling addiction: 1-800-IAM-POOR or 1-800-777-MYTEAMSHOULDHAVEWON or 1-800-IGAMBLEONSPORTSINSTEADOFCARDSLIKEANORMALPERSON.
This is normally the part where I tell you to subscribe to get these articles sent directly to your email and to share this post and TheFakeNewsGazette with people who might enjoy them. You can do all of those things below. But if you have a gambling issue, get help. Life’s too short to short for addiction.