Opinion: Latinos Aren’t Real

Yes, I'm serious.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not reflect the views held by TheFakeNewsGazette.

Latinos aren’t real. They don’t exist. This isn’t some wacky conspiracy theory but fact. Latin America isn’t real, either. You’ve been lied to. Fortunately, I’m here to set the record straight.

I have a friend who considers himself Latino, and I wanted to speak to him in his native language. So, I started learning Latin. I got my head around gendered words and the fact that the Romans didn’t know what the word “the” was. I studied the cases until my brain threatened to explode, and I was driven mad, trying to decipher why the verbs kept jumping around. I read Cicero, Vergil, Tacitus, Caesar, Varro, and both Catos until my eyes bled. I spoke Latin to my dog, my plant, and pet rock.

Finally, I thought I had studied enough to speak to my friend in his native language. The next time I saw him, I said, “Salvē meus amīcus.” After an award moment and a puzzled look, he asked what language that was. I laughed and said it was Latin, his native language. To which he replied, “I grew up speaking Spanish.” I said he called himself a Latino, and he said that meant he was from Latin America, where people speak Spanish and Portuguese. Why Portuguese? Because people didn’t want the Brazilians to feel lonely.

This, dear reader, is the heart of the matter. We have an entire region of the world called Latin America, where Latin isn’t spoken. How is that possible? Well, it isn’t. No one is foolish enough to group the Spanish-speaking countries of the Americas and Brazil and label them based on a language they don’t speak.

I’ve concluded that Latin America isn’t real. It’s a fictional land that exists in the minds of madmen. And the people who are from Latin America, these Spanish and Portuguese-speaking Latinos don’t exist either. So, the next time you come across someone insisting they’re Latino, kindly inform them that they’re not real.

Author’s Note: This was previously released during Hispanic Heritage Month but there was an error in my Latin, so I had to edit it slightly. Also, if you know someone who would like these articles, then share it with them. Of course, if you know who I am, please share without using my name. I also added a subtitle, something I’m experimenting with.