Peace in Ukraine, Biden Drives Out Russian Army
Today is a great day. The Russian invasion of the… of Ukraine is at an end. The last Russian soldier, Dimitry Somethingov, has crossed the border back into Russia. Ukraine is free of Russian oppression, and it’s all thanks to one man: Joe Biden.
For a while, no one knew exactly where the former president was. All we knew was that he was somewhere in Ukraine fighting the Russians. As it turns out, Biden became the leading cause of death for Russians in Ukraine, becoming responsible for sixty percent of Russian casualties, according to an anonymous source in the Ukrainian government.
“I’ve killed thousands of Russians,” Biden told TheFakeNewsGazette with a wild look of a man who has spent every waking hour of the last several months fighting. “But still, Putin wouldn’t come out and face me.”
“Why would I want to fight a man who’s trying to prove he’s a tough guy?” Russian president Vladimir Putin asked when an interviewer mentioned former president Biden. “He’s clearly a very insecure man.”
“I’m the toughest S.O.B. on both sides of the Atlantic,” Biden declared, his left eye twitching either from rage or a lack of sleep. “Putin’s the insecure one, he’s short!”
“I do not know why people insist that I am insecure because of my height,” the Russian president said, responding to Biden’s comments. “I am a former KGB agent. I can fight, and fight well, then make your body disappear. And know one would know.”
“It looks like I’ll have to invade Putin’s precious motherland to get him to fight me,” Biden told this credible newspaper.
Can Biden do that? What will be the consequences if he does? Fortunately, world-renowned geopolitical expert and author of Geo Plus Politics, Giovanni Riccardo, has the answers and was kind enough to discuss them in a recent interview with this legitimate newspaper.
“Unless former president Biden has an army, he can’t invade Russia,” Riccardo said. “However, if Biden decides to launch a one-man war on Russia, then that will cause US-Russian relations to be strained. Whether it will lead to a war between the two great powers is impossible to say.”
President Trump has posted a TruthSocial message saying that the United States “condemns any of its citizens attacking Russia” and if former president Biden were to do so, “Sleepy Joe would be acting on his own.”
Everyone was calm, and the Doomsday Clock was set back ten whole minutes, until Joe Biden made a shocking reveal.
“I’ve been telling people for the last forty years that I’m from Scranton, Pennsylvania,” the former president said in a televised interview with a news outlet that isn’t as credible as this one. “But I’m actually from Florida.”
The president has released a photo of his birth certificate, and it clearly states he was born in Florida.
At the shocking realization that Biden is a Florida man, the Doomsday Clock has been moved to half a minute from midnight, something that has been unprecedented in the clock’s history. As a result, millions of preppers have made their way to their apocalypse bunkers.
“I didn’t know Biden was a Florida man,” one prepper told this prestigious newspaper. “I would have gone into my bunker during his presidency if I had known.”
“Nuclear war will break out between the US and Russia,” another prepper, who was munching on potato chips, said. “That’s the only outcome. THIS IS THE END!”
That may not prove to be an exaggeration. Ever since Biden revealed himself to be a Floridian, the Russian military has been put on the highest alert. Meanwhile, former president Biden, the man who single-handedly brought peace to Ukraine, marches towards the Russian border. The question on everyone’s mind is, “Can the Russians handle a Florida man?”
The world will soon find out.