Thanos Is the New MCU Head
With the MCU in shambles, Marvel has announced a new head of its cinematic universe: Thanos. That’s right, the Infinity Saga's main villain is now the MCU's head.
“I’m very honored to be in charge of the MCU,” the movie villain told TheFakeNewsGazette. “The MCU hasn’t had much success lately, but under my leadership, that will change.”
Thanos has unveiled a five-point plan that will bring the MCU back to its glory days—the first step: more purple. “People love purple. I’m purple, so that’s why everyone loved me,” Thanos explained. “Business is all about giving the people what they want. The people want purple, so we at Marvel will give them so much that the silver screen becomes the purple screen.”
Step two of Thanos’ master plan is to “focus on the merchandise.” “Martin Scorsese was right. The MCU isn’t cinema,” Thanos claimed. “What we make at Marvel are two-hour-long toy advertisements. So, if a movie idea doesn’t provide us with new merchandising opportunities, it won’t be produced.”
The third step is simple: cut the budget. “Blockbuster movies cost a lot to make, and for good reasons. However, we need to reduce production costs to ensure we profit from every film. And I am not just talking about shoestring budgets. No, we at Marvel Studios are going to go further. Actors will need to start getting used to sleeping in tents on set instead of trailers.”
Thanos continued: “Everyone knows how much I like balance, but balance isn’t good in this case. Balancing cost and income in business means you break even, and there’s no profit. We need to make sure every movie makes a profit so that every film will get fifty million dollars to work with. That’s it, and it includes marketing costs.”
Step four is to introduce more characters. “What people love about the MCU is how interconnected it is,” Thanos told this credible newspaper. “To make the MCU even more interconnected, we need to bring more characters onto the big screen from the comic pages, even if most comic book fans don’t know who they are. The MCU is going to have more connections than a spider’s web.”
The final part of Thanos’ grand plan is to increase the number of movies released. “We need to ramp up production so much that the only movies playing in theaters are Marvel movies,” Thanos said. “People love our movies, and everyone knows if you love something, you want to drown in it. That’s what we will do: drown people in MCU films.”
Ah yes, the time-honored business practice of drowning people in product. It works every time. This man is a business genius.