Exclusive: Mickey Mouse on Biden’s Dropout, Harris, Trump

The following is a transcript of an interview of presidential candidate Mickey Mouse conducted by the author. There was recorded video footage, but an intern deleted it. Fake News Man (FNM) is the interviewer and MM is Mickey Mouse.

FNM: Mr. Mouse thank you for agreeing to this interview. It is a great privilege.

MM: You’re welcome. I read TheFakeNewsGazette daily.

FNM: Really?

MM: Yes, I read it right after I read Hot Dog Hill’s newspaper.

FNM: Wait, you don’t read TheFakeNewsGazette first?

MM: Nope. I read it second.

FNW: Well, I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that. Now, let’s get into it. You are running for president yet again.

MM: I am. I’m telling you 2024 is going to be the year we put a Mouse in the House.

FNM: I’m sure it will be Mr. Mouse, especially since President Biden has ended his reelection bid. What are your thoughts on that?

MM: I think the president dropped out because I had him scared.

FNM: Scared how?

MM: Biden saw the polls and knew he couldn’t beat me, so he dropped out of the race.

FNM: Do you think dropping out of the race was the right call?

MM: I think it was. President Biden has been in politics for a long time; he deserves to retire.

FNM: I see. What do you think of Harris?

MM: Who?

FNM: Vice President Kamala Harris. She’s running for president. Recent polls put her ahead of Trump.

MM: Oh, I haven’t noticed.

FNM: I’ll take it that means you haven’t formed an opinion on her.

MM: I haven’t formed an opinion, but she can’t beat me either.

FNM: Why is that Mr. Mouse?

MM: Because she has no claim to fame and I’m Mickey Mouse, an American icon. She can’t even try to touch me. Name one thing Harris that helped this country off the top of your head. You can’t and the American people can’t either.

MM: Interesting, though I’m sure the Vice President’s supporters could name a few of her accomplishments. I take it the one person you think stands a chance against you in November is Trump.

MM: Yes, Trump is the only one I’m worried about.

FNM: He’s been gaining more support lately.

MM: Trump’s getting more support because he got shot, not because he did anything. You humans are strange.

FNM: It’s called “circling the wagons” Mr. Mouse. Do you believe there will be another assassination attempt on former president Trump?

MM: Definitely. There are a lot of people who don’t like the Donald and will be willing to take a shot at him. He’s not universally loved like myself.

FNM: Would it be another lone gunman?

MM: Of course. How else do you assassinate an American president, former president in Trump’s case? Only lone gunmen succeed in killing American presidents, it’s practically a law of physics. One man, one gun, and some bullets. No bombs or poison needed.  

FNM: Excellent point Mr. Mouse. Do you think Trump’s security will get better?

MM: Hopefully not.

FNM: Why is that?

MM: Because as I said another assassination attempt is almost guaranteed and if Trump’s security gets better then they may thwart the attempt.

FNM: And why would that be a problem?

MM: It wouldn’t be a problem at all. It’s just if Trump gets killed then I will have a clear path to the White House since Harris can’t beat me.

FNM: Have you put a hit out on former president Trump?

MM: This is why I like TheFakeNewsGazette you aren’t afraid of asking the hard questions.

FNM: And you haven’t answered my question.

MM: I would never put out a hit to kill a political opponent. Unless it’s socially acceptable to do so, which isn’t in our country.

FNM: So, you have no plans to kill former president Trump?

MM: I do not.

FNM: And you plan to defeat him in the polls on Election Day?

MM: I do and I will.

FNM: How do you plan on beating Trump? He’s gained significant support following the assassination attempt.

MM: I’m sorry I can’t reveal campaign secrets.

FNM: Then what does a President Mickey offer that a President Trump does not?

MM: Besides being loved by all, making me the perfect president to unify the country?

FNM: That’s a fair point, but I am looking for a more detailed answer.

MM: Trump’s obnoxious and I’m not. He’s also orange in case you haven’t noticed.

FNM: We’ve all noticed Trump’s orange Mr. Mouse. Thank you for that more detailed answer, but I was hoping you would tell me what policies you would pursue and how they are better than policies Trump would enact. Let’s start with gun control.

MM: Well, I don’t know what Trump is promising nowadays, but I am a huge supporter of the Second Amendment.

FNM: Really? I didn’t know that. Why are you a big supporter of the Second Amendment?

MM: Because we are now offering ski shooting at Disneyland. The disks have Disney, Marvel, and Star Wars villains painted on them, so people don’t feel bad when they shoot them. I think it's going to be one of our most popular attractions.

We don’t want to sell guns or buy guns ourselves, because Disney is a family-friendly business, so we’ll be selling ammo, at a high markup of course. Naturally, this means people will have to bring their guns into our theme parks. If the Democrats have their way with gun control, then people won’t have any guns to bring to our parks.

FNM: So, you support the Second Amendment because you are going to make money off of it?

MM: Absolutely. What’s more American than making money off of the Second Amendment at America’s favorite amusement park? Nothing.

FNM: Okay… ah… what about the economy? How are you a better choice for president economically, than Trump?

MM: Trump has been a part of the economy; I am the economy.

FNM: What do you mean by “I am the economy.”

MM: I mean Disney is such a large portion of the economy, I, Mickey Mouse the head of Disney, might as well be the economy.

FNM: I see, but how does that make you a better choice for president, as far as the economy is concerned than Trump? He’s promising to bring manufacturing back to America.

MM: Trump was promising to do that back in 2016. During his term in office, I didn’t see “Made in China” stickers being replaced with “Made in the USA” stickers. Did you?

FNM: That is a good observation Mr. Mouse, but how would you bring manufacturing back to America?

MM: It’s simple: nuke China.

FNM: WHAT?!?!?!?

MM: I’m kidding, I just wanted to grab your attention. No, of course, I won’t nuke China as president. No, I’ll incentivize corporations to bring manufacturing back to this country with a mixture of tax cuts and tariffs.

FNM: And if that doesn’t work?

MM: Then Disney will open factories in the US and start making our toys here.

FNM: I think the American people now have an idea of the differences between you and Trump. Unfortunately, I can’t ask more questions because we are out of time. Thank you for agreeing to this interview Mr. Mouse.

MM: You’re welcome.

Disclaimer (because our lawyers, who don’t like fun, say we need one): TheFakeNewsGazette has officially endorsed Mickey Mouse for president. This credible newspaper has also donated millions upon millions of dollars to the super PAC “Mickey4Pres.” And while we cannot force our employees to vote for Mickey this November (the lawyers said that was illegal), we have a “Mickey2024” poster on literally every wall in our building and a big “Mickey2024” billboard on top of our building. For us here at TheFakeNewsGazette, there is but one choice in November: to put a Mouse in the House.